10 Things Newt Isn't Allowed To Do In The Lab, by Hermann Gottlieb
by Fibre Optic
Summary: ...and Newt's less than enthusiastic replies.


_Written at 3am for a prompt on the kinkmeme, so I apologise for any mistakes. Let me know what you think :)_

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It's a crumpled page torn from a copy book, tacked to the memo board and fluttering in the breeze from the doorway when Newton walks into the lab that morning.

He does a double-take, because nobody other than Hermann would have put it there and Hermann never uses the memo board.

Curiosity piqued, he tosses his jacket over the back of a chair and walks over, ripping the page from its tack and scanning it.

"To Dr. Geiszler," it begins, the slanting scrawl only barely eligible to Newton due to many years of working alongside the man.

"Upon entering the lab this morning I was disgusted to find my desk spotted with dark green blood. I have no doubt that, much like several other incidents which have occurred within these walls as of late, this was a result of your carelessness.

In light of this most recent misdemeanor on your end, I've taken the trouble of compiling a short list of rules that you must abide by should our working situation continue to benefit both us and those we work alongside. Please find these rules below."

Newton, unable to fight a grin now, begins to read the list.

"1. You must refrain from dissecting Kaiju without the use of gloves before handling papers, medical apparatus, or computers.

2. In the event that you DO use gloves while rooting around corpses, please do NOT dispose of the gloves in my pockets. It is not funny and frankly you're lucky that I haven't reported you for it, as I believe it violates several health & safety codes.

3. While your ability to create "flubber" is no doubt a testament to your fine education, I am not impressed by it and do not appreciate having globs of the horrid green goo thrown at my chalkboard throughout the day. It never sticks, and no amount of switching the ingredients is going to make it any stickier.

4. Hiding my chalk might make you feel like quite the comedian, but I assure you the only one laughing was yourself.

5. Similarly, erasing portions of my work with the duster in order to draw certain parts of the male anatomy is nothing other than tasteless.

6. Drawing designs for future tattoos on the back of important files is unprofessional. Twice now I have accidentally forwarded these files on before realizing there was badly drawn Kaiju scribbled on the back.

7. I know you're incredibly proud of your sexual exploits, but taking random citizens you met at bars back to the lab is both unprofessional and dangerous.

8. In relation to the above, I would like to add that you still owe me a new desk after your particularly enthusiastic partner broke my last one.

9. Pretending to receive a call from your mother every time I try to bring this up face-to-face is cowardly of you, and after speaking with your mother myself I can assure you that she is similarly unimpressed.

10. Delete your browser history when you leave the laboratory for the night in future please. I shudder to think what half of those things even meant.

Regards, Dr. Hermann Gottlieb."

Newt snorts at the last one, rolling his eyes and flipping the page over to check the back. Upon seeing that it's blank, he raises an eyebrow and glances at the clock above the door. Hermann won't be back for another couple of hours.

Newt grabs a pen, turns the page over, and starts to write.

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Hermann walks nto the lab with the air of a man who has just won a battle in a longstanding war.

He knows the lab is empty, because he and Newt's schedules always seem to run parallel to each other on a Thursday. It is for this reason that he decided to stick the note up today - he is simply providing Newt with enough time to remedy his annoying habits before they have to face each other again.

Setting his case down by the table, Hermann notices something slightly out of place on his otherwise clear desk. A familiarly crumpled sheet of paper, sitting awkwardly under a paperweight on the corner of the desk.

Curious, he pulls it out and frowns. It is the list he had written for Newton earlier in the morning. Out of habit he turns it over, and is surprised to see a hastily written response.

"Dearest Hermann," it reads, in the familiar unattached letters that only Newt could pen. "See responses to your suggestions below."

With a rapidly growing sense of dread, Hermann reads on.

"1. I have never dissected a Kaiju without gloves, because that would be disgusting. Though I would argue that the splattering of greenish blood adds character to the furniture, but whatever.

2. Thanks for not reporting me, mom. Even though I have no idea what you're talking about. I only use gloves for professional purposes, and also occasionally as water balloons.

3. I take offense to what I have read as sarcasm in relation to my education. The creation of flubber is a fundamental part of every scientists education, and the disrespect of this from you of all people is, quite frankly, shocking.

4. Would like to remind you that when you chased me into the cafeteria and shouted the crime out loud, many others did in fact start to laugh. Also, it totally wasn't me.

5. Haha, you said penises are tasteless.

6. I am sorry you think me unprofessional, but I completely disagree with that assessment because I'm actually awesome.

7. Oh come on, how is that dangerous?

8. How dare you. That guy seriously injured himself, you're lucky I'm not suing YOU for damages. As a gesture of good will, I'll buy you a new desk. But for the record, the one you've got does still work. It's just a little wonky.

9. I can't believe you called my mom. That's so not cool. You know I hate it when you both talk about me.

10. Yeah, that one was my bad. Sorry.

Yours truly,

Dr Super Cool."


End file.
